To hear the actual audio, click here:
Hi, Alexa! I have to talk to you, because Momma says it’s too early and Junie won’t talk to me after I looked for the candy in her Skullcandy headphones. I’m up so early because the school called and Momma’s phone is set real loud. We get a day off because it’s too cold to go outside! It’s not as good as snow, but I’m glad there’s no school. I’m gonna have some cereal now. Bye!
I made Momma some coffee and took it to her. I couldn’t reach her flavored stuff, so I put some of the milk out of my cereal bowl in it. She gets mad that I waste all that milk down the drain, so I figured she’d be happy. She didn’t look happy, but she didn’t yell at me. I guess maybe it takes her a long time to wake up.
I had a great day! Junie stayed in her room, probably texting her BOY-FRIEND, and Momma got out some LEGO stuff and we made a castle! It was kind of small for a castle, but we made it as big as we could and Momma even let me knock it down at the end. I wish we could get more LEGOs.
ALEXA: Do you want to shop for LEGOs?
Sure! I want a Batman set and that Harry Potter castle thing and some Minecraft stuff!
I heard Momma’s phone again, but I didn’t get up, because I stayed up real late making a Pokémon war under my bed. Momma has the weather on the TV. It says it’s gonna be cold for a really long time, like a month or something. I asked if it was gonna be cold until summer, and Momma laughed a weird laugh.
Junie came out for breakfast, and we had a fight. Just because she’s a teenager, doesn’t mean she gets to tell me what to do. I was going outside and see if my pee would freeze before it hit the ground, but Junie said I can’t go outside in my pajamas because my wiener would fall off. How does she know? She doesn’t even have a wiener. (pause) Alexa, do you think that’s why Junie doesn’t have a wiener?
ALEXA: Sorry, I don’t know that.
Momma says I can watch TV for the rest of the day! She said the cold outside froze the TV on, and she can’t do anything about it. Junie made a rude noise and slammed her door, which is fine with me because I don’t want to watch her dumb shows anyway. It’s all people fighting and kissing and then fighting again. I’m gonna watch Captain Underpants until I throw up.
ALEXA: Do you want me to play Captain Underpants on Netflix?
I gotta whisper, because everyone else is asleep and I’m supposed to be, too. I’m already in trouble, but it’s not fair. I was watching Captain Underpants, and I laughed really hard at that one part where Principal Krupp is jumping around yelling “MY BUTT,” and I was upside-down, so I kicked the wall and a thing fell on me and my hand went through it because I was eating Cheetos with a fork. If it’s such a fancy painting, it shouldn’t be on the wall, it should be in a safe or something. Momma just pinched her face up and put it in her room. My Cheetos went everywhere, too, and she didn’t even say anything about that, so I let the dog eat them. I snuck out here because the dog was whining and I guess I was too late because she already pooped on the carpet. I wonder if we’re gonna have school tomorrow.
Momma’s phone rang again! I’m gonna go back to bed, because the dog pooped everywhere and it smells gross down here. I’ll have breakfast after Momma cleans up.
I asked Momma over and over if I could go outside, and finally she let me! I had to put on all these clothes, and then I had to pee, so I took them all off. She made me put them all on again. Junie laughed at me and took a picture. I hope she doesn’t put it on Instagram, I don’t want her stupid friends to see. I went outside. It was boring, so I came back in. I wish there was snow. I threw chunks of ice at the car for a while but they were really hard and didn’t even break. My hands hurt because I took off my mittens and rubbed them on the ice to see if I could see my reflection. They got stuck for a little and I couldn’t let go.
ALEXA: Do you want me to play “Let It Go” by Idina Menzel?
NO! That’s girl music!
Momma said no more sugar, but that was this morning and now I’m having Pop-tarts dipped in chocolate syrup for dinner and she’s pretending she can’t see. She went out to get the mail and she saw where I was throwing ice. I expected her to yell at me, but she got some stuff down from the high cabinet and said she needed a time-out. I smelled her glass and I’m glad I don’t have to have a time-out like that. Barf.
Junie and me had another fight. Well, another another fight. I wanted to see what she was doing in her room, so I snuck on the porch and looked in the window. She was taking pictures of herself laying in bed, and I thought those were pretty stupid pictures, so I banged on the window. She screamed and grabbed her blankets, and I ran back inside before she could lock me out like last summer. Momma was asleep on the couch but she woke up when Junie was screaming at me and so I said Junie was taking pictures in bed and everything was real quiet for a minute. Now I’m supposed to be in bed while they have a “little talk.” I think Junie’s phone is in the grounded basket now. I’m gonna go look in it, because I saw her passcode yesterday.
I slept a real long time last night. Momma usually wakes me up, but she didn’t today. Still no school! Maybe we never have to go again. Momma says she has to get groceries, and Junie is supposed to watch me, but Junie said I can die in a fire for all she cares, so I’m gonna have to go. Junie doesn’t even know that I posted pictures of my butt on her Instagram last night. (giggling) It’s not fair, I’m big enough to take care of myself.
My LEGOs came! Thank you, Alexa! Momma looked confused about the packages and when she opened them, she looked even confuseder. I told her you ordered them for me, and her eyes got real wide. Now she’s doing something on the computer and drinking some more time-out. I opened all the LEGO boxes and dumped them in a grocery bag. I think some fell on the floor, but I can’t find them. This is so much fun!
Momma won’t let me watch the TV anymore, because she says she needs to keep an eye on the weather. She’s just sitting there watching it. I guess grown-ups like boring things. She was surprised I opened all the LEGOs while she was on the computer. I’m fast! (vrooming noise) The weather lady says we have one more day of too cold to go outside. Momma looks sad.
No school today! And tomorrow is Saturday, so we got a whole weekend, too! I asked Momma to help me sort the LEGOs back out, because I can’t find all the pieces to the one I want to do, and she did that weird laugh again and dumped them all over the kitchen table. That wasn’t what I meant but she was already gone so I just played bulldozer for a while.
Junie started whining about her phone, so Momma gave it back to her. I don’t know where to hide.
ALEXA: Do you want me to search “where to hide” on the internet?
ALEXA: Okay. Would you like “where to hide money,” “where to hide condoms,” “where to hide from Mr. X,” “where—”
That last one! Where to hide from Mr. X! (screaming in background) Uh-oh. Never mind.
Momma is sitting outside on the porch in her hot blanket with a cord running out the window. Junie’s phone is back in the basket and I got sent to my room, but I snuck out and nobody cares. Momma is just staring in the yard like somebody turned her off. It’s creepy. Junie got in big trouble because she tried to kill me, but then Momma gave ME a lecture. I was mad because I nearly got murdered and STILL got yelled at. Now I just want Momma to come back inside. I’m gonna go pick up the LEGOs off the kitchen floor because I think I saw the dog eat one. I wonder if she’ll poop LEGOs everywhere now.
We had a real strange dinner tonight. It was chicken, that’s not strange, but it was like everybody was acting super polite when we didn’t feel that way. It was all “please pass the barbeque sauce” and “I would like some more peas.” I felt like a commercial for manners. I’m tired. I’m gonna go to bed now. Momma said we have to go to Grandma’s tomorrow for the whole day. Junie had a tantrum for a minute, then Momma said she could take her phone, she gives up. I wonder what Momma has to do tomorrow that’s so important.
ALEXA: Do you want me to check tomorrow’s calendar?
ALEXA: Tomorrow has one event: 8:00AM to 6:00PM, Time-out.
Copyright 2019© by Rebecka Ratcliffe, All Rights Reserved.
The Story: Hey–it’s a bonus piece! This is a suggestion from Katie Ausdemore, a parent in Iowa who was living a version of this during the extra cold winter of 2019. Days and days off school with nothing to do but stay inside and go stir-crazy. Here’s to hoping her time-out cabinet was stocked! Cayden had a rocky week, but the character I really feel for is Momma, and I don’t blame her one bit for sitting on the porch in her electric blanket.
Also–BONUS POST! The conclusion of Mitsy Bats Her Lashes is still on track for next week. Have a great weekend!